Parents frequently state, “I would do anything for my kids.” I think that they believe that.
Unfortunately, due to laziness and/or ignorance (these are the big two reasons, though I’m sure there are others), a lot of parents are poisoning their children.
Literally poisoning your daughter to death versus not parenting your child in a manner that sets them up for success is probably an unfair comparison. But, it’s a great scene from The Sixth Sense, and drives home the point that parents can be terrible.
There are books, shows, and courses dedicated to parenting – everything from schedules to diets are covered. To avoid getting in the weeds with all the ways parents mess up (so many ways to mess up), I’m going to focus on enabling.
For me, enabling is a bad word. But, when I looked up the definition of enabling in Webster’s, I found: to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy, and to cause to operate. Reading the definitions, I laughed, because they have very positive connotations.
As a father and educator, enabling is labeling a child with a specific negative attribute and then promoting that undesirable trait or failing to parent in a manner that overcomes said trait. This form of enabling is poisonous.
Examples
“My child has anxiety.”
How Parents Promote
- Tell their child they have anxiety
- Paint upcoming events as scary or dangerous
- Reinforce negative ideations
How Parents Fail to Help Overcome
- They try to remove all obstacles
- They deny their child access to new opportunities
- They use anxiety as an excuse for their child
“My child is sensitive.”
How Parents Promote
- Tell their child they are sensitive
- Justify child’s overreaction to situations
- Allow the child to solely seek comfort/safety in them (Mommy/Daddy will make it all better)
- Use baby talk
How Parents Fail to Help Overcome
- Don’t teach their child how to respond to obstacles
- Don’t put them in situations where parents aren’t there to rescue them when things get tough
- Intervene when peer conflict arises
“My child is hyper.”
How Parents Promote
- Tell their child they are hyper
- Make excuses for poor behavior because their child can’t help it
- Provide a diet that is high in refined sugar and additives
How Parents Fail to Help Overcome
- Don’t provide structure
- Don’t enforce consequences
- Don’t provide the child with outlets to be active
I’m not a medical professional, and I recognize that anxiety, sensitivity, and hyperactivity are real issues. However, I believe that because they are real issues, all parents are given a free pass if one of these issues is mentioned. It is a “get out of jail free” card for parents, because we fail to call out their actions that don’t mitigate, but perpetuate concerning issues with their kids.
Even with diagnoses (these examples or other), there are actions parents can take (and stop taking) to support their child’s positive development. We can stop being the poison and start being the antidote.