Complicated Coffee

Minimalistic design is incredibly popular. Sleek lines, hidden functionality, and a prioritization of the essential are trademark components of this less is more approach. Marie Kondo has taught us a lot in the past few years regarding the necessity to remove to enhance.

Coffee remains incredibly popular. Everyone has their favorite bean, their favorite drink, AND their favorite method for brewing said cup. This is where the cognitive dissonance occurs.

I like house shows. A cabin, a beach cottage, a farmhouse, a yurt, a castle, a whatever. Architecture and design are extremely interesting. While watching, you either enjoy affirming the choices made by the homeowner or are repulsed by the horrific aesthetic. “Hey Indiana Jones, just because it’s old doesn’t mean it looks good. There is a reason that credenza ended up at the flea market.”

However, no matter how expensive the house, or how big the space, or the design style, inside they are always making coffee in the most elaborate way possible. Ask yourself, “Have I ever seen anyone make instant coffee on a home show?” Of course you haven’t. You could be the most likable couple, looking for your first forever home, but if at the end of House Hunters you’re in your new space nuking a mug of Folgers, that episode is not making the air. And, House Hunters has 233 seasons (I just looked it up), so they need content!

The more complicated the process to make the coffee, the more popular it is. Which leads me to my million dollar idea.

My inspiration came from the show Survivor, where to break ties, two contestants would compete in a fire making challenge. The first one to make fire and burn through their rope lived to face another tribal council.

Nectar of the Gauds (Coffee Recipe)

  1. First you need to set up a base to contain the fire. A solid metal bed pan works perfectly.
  2. Next, arrange a pile of tinder at the bottom of the bed pan. I recommend dry pine needles from an old Christmas tree because the smoke provides a nice festive flavor to the coffee and who the hell has old Christmas trees lying around.
  3. Kindling is next. I use Jell-O Pudding Pop sticks. They were discontinued in 2004, so you may need to scour Ebay to find some. Also, you’ll have to eat approximately 17 Pops to get the right amount of kindling.
  4. Firewood is the final incendiary material necessary for perfect Cup of Joe. Your neighbor’s hideous credenza (smashed into pieces of course) will do the trick. For every time your neighbor told the stupid story of how they stumbled upon their “treasure”, the better tasting the coffee will be (i.e. if you’ve had to endure that terrible tale 10 times, you’re going to have one magical java).
  5. I should have mentioned it at the start, but this whole setup needs to happen directly below a ceiling fan.
  6. Tie one side of a piece of twine to one of the ceiling fan blades. Tie the other side of the twine to a coffee mug, preferably one that has a funny slogan like, “My other coffee mug is a Ferrari.”
  7. Fill the coffee mug with Folgers Instant Coffee and water (according to the directions).
  8. To get the fire started, you need a spark to set your Christmas pine needles ablaze. Simply orient a giant magnifying glass to the sun to get your fire started. This means that you can’t make a copy before the sun comes up, but that shouldn’t matter, because who drinks coffee in the morning?
  9. Finally, turn on the ceiling fan (preferably to a low setting). This will provide your Folgers with a nice even roast, ensuring a smooth taste.
  10. Enjoy!

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