Ugly Superman

I know there are more actors who played Superman, but there’s only so many tabs of really good looking men I could have open on my computer before Vicky got suspicious.

Looking at the four images above, or watching any Superman movie or show, it’s plain to see that there’s a particular look casting directors are going for. That look is not ugly.

Why Superman Should be Ugly

1. Relatability – To be honest, I’m surprised there’s so many kids with Superman pajamas and Halloween costumes. It’s hard to see yourself growing up to be Superman when you’re a 6 at best.
2. Camouflage – If you’re trying to hide your secret identity, it’s infinitely harder to do so when your jawline could be used in a geometry lesson. Clark Kent would be a better Daily Planet reporter if he wasn’t constantly worrying about being discovered.
3. Archetypal Consistency- Little green men, pulsating exobrains, and let’s not forget the repulsive E.T. Yet, Krypton produces humanoids that happen to embody all the physical characteristics of a GQ cover model?
4. Distractibility – If Superman shows up, peril is afoot (“peril is afoot”, my 11th grade Honors [brag] English teacher would be disappointed). Superman can handle a lot, but occasionally, he needs the good citizens of Metropolis to follow directions. Hard to follow directions when you’re lost in those baby blues.
5. Focus – World peace remains the number one wish (okay, it’s probably second to meeting John Cena). There are wars to prevent, oceans to de-pollute, poverty to end, and kittens to be rescued from trees. There’s no time for the one person who could solve all these problems to be tied up in romantic endeavors. If more women were suddenly “washing their hair” on Friday nights, Superman would be free to grant that wish…with enough time leftover to meet John Cena.

Truthfully, I really want Superman to be ugly for selfish reasons. In 4th grade, I played King Ferdinand II in our elementary school’s performance of Christopher Columbus. I still believe that my 4 lines should put me on the shortlist to play Clark Kent. Movie producers need to make some concessions on attractiveness (I’m a solid 6 and a half).