No, I’m not announcing another three episodes of Sherlock (but, that would be awesome). I’m talking about winter, spring, summer, fall, and … (we’ll get to that).
I’m aware that the Earth has four seasons because of its tilted axis and orbit around the sun. For fun’s sake, let’s pull the Falcon 9 over, turn the window crank (window cranks are more practical on spaceships, because you don’t want to accidently lean on an automatic window button and get sucked out into the black void), and throw science out the window. It’s time to contemplate the marvelousness of adding a 5th season!
Benefits of a 5th Season
Fashion – Sweater weather? People organize closets based on the season. There’s excitement when seasons change, because you get to show-off your new wardrobe (maybe outfits bought on clearance during the off-season…and if you add another season, that’s more off-seasons, which means more sales!). Fashion moguls debut collections by season. Another season means another collection and possibly the creation of a new article of clothing (overalls that are appropriate for formal events yet provide the ruggedness necessary for manual labor).
Food – Pumpkin spice latte? A spicy dish to warm you up or a refreshing drink to cool you down. The season dictates the menu. And even though eggnog is delicious anytime of year, you can’t enjoy a creamy glass in August unless it comes with a complimentary straight jacket. Michelin star restaurants would have the opportunity to create new menus, with new flavor combinations to accompany the new season.
Sports – Pitchers and catchers (I don’t follow baseball, but I hear this is a big thing)? There’s a deluge (Mrs. Albright, 11th grade English, is rolling her eyes) of new sports trying to establish a mainstream foothold. Every four years, a commissioner is petitioning the Olympic committee to add their revolutionary sport to the world’s greatest competition (think breakdancing, or don’t think breakdancing, because it was terrible). Now they don’t have to wait four years to debut Kabaddi (full-contact tag?). They can align it with our 5th season.
Holidays – 4th of July? Hallmark stock is down (maybe, I don’t really follow the stock market, but I’m sure it’ll be down at some point when someone is reading this). Just like they created Valentine’s Day to boost revenue, a new season affords an opportunity to create a new holiday. How about “Remember That Time Day?” A day when the whole world reminisces about something trivial or inconsequential. It’s kind of like what guys do every time they get together anyway, but now there are cards!
Pop Culture – Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? A new season opens the door for a new movie genre. Also, pilot season is a thing (I don’t know when it is, but I’m sure it still is a thing). What if there was a rehash season? Networks would re-air pilots that crashed and burned, because they were so bad, and people would tune-in to watch them ironically. Spotify, Amazon, Apple all have curated seasonal playlists. A new season would enable music marketers to come up with more amazing playlist names like “Grill & Chill.”
5th Season Names
Crispin (Not Glover) – I hate the cold. But, when you read, “a crisp morning,” it somehow makes sub-zero temperatures pleasant.
Autwinsprimmser – Okay, this is a blatantly lazy way of combining all current season names into one. But, it’s got a nice German ring to it.
Siestall – Everyone loves naps. A season that revolves strictly around sleeping is sure to be a crowd favorite.
Rejuventer – People love the opportunity to start anew. Look at how popular New Year’s resolutions are. What if we squeezed rejuventer between spring and summer? This would provide people with a midyear opportunity to stop going to the gym after 9 days.
Hank – Short and sweet. “You know those begonias won’t bloom until mid-Hank.” “The kids always get a bad case of Hank fever during this time of year.” “It’s hard to get motivated during the dog days of Hank.”
A fifth season would provide at least a 3.5% increase to annual GDP (new clothes, foods, holidays, sports, movies, etc.), improve the quality of living, and skyrocket Hank up the baby name popularity list (currently sitting at #477). It doesn’t take an autwinsprimmser chicken to know this idea is hip!
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