Say When

“The day you stop caring what others think is the day you start living.”

It’s a modern proverb—widely shared and almost universally accepted.

But how do you actually do it? How do you stop caring?

It sounds wonderful. I would love to get there. I think I would sleep better. I think I would be less stressed. I think I would be calmer. I think my life would be better.

But if you read my post, To Be Liked or To Be Significant, you know that significance is one of my strengths. Significance is the desire to make a substantial, lasting impact—and to be recognized for your unique contributions.

Unless I’m trying to be significant only to myself, other people’s opinions have to matter.

My problem is that I can’t parse out which opinions matter. I have a hard time determining whose opinion is worthy of my time and consideration.

I also connect opinions.

Let’s say I decide that Person A’s opinion doesn’t matter. That should be the end of it. But what if Person A talks to Persons B, C, D, and E? If I value the opinions of B, C, D, or E, then suddenly I start giving credence to Person A’s opinion too.

When it comes to other people’s opinions, I leave no stone unturned. Every last one has to be flipped positive-side-up toward me.

Maybe my problem isn’t simply that I care what people think. Maybe it’s that I want to protect them from feeling hurt.

The real killer, then, is guilt.

I know that a few paragraphs ago I said I didn’t care about Person A’s opinion. But if Person A knows—or even suspects—that I’m not considering their opinion, I feel guilty. I imagine Person A feeling slighted, ignored, or irrelevant, and then I feel responsible for how my not caring might make them feel.

I wouldn’t feel guilty if I knew Person A didn’t care what I thought.

And thus we arrive at the ultimate paradox:

I won’t stop caring what other people think until I know that other people don’t care what I think.

It’s the ultimate stare-down, each person waiting for the other one to stop caring first—a much nerdier Doc Holliday versus Johnny Ringo.

“Say when.”

I just hope “when” isn’t too far away.