Do you have a responsibility not to offend?
Or do you have a responsibility not to be offended?
Of course, you shouldn’t intentionally offend people. That part is easy.
But what happens when offense isn’t intentional?
I’ve always disliked apologies that sound like this:
“I’m sorry if I made you feel…”
They don’t land. They feel hollow. Why? Because they avoid ownership. The focus shifts from the action to the reaction—as if the problem is how the other person felt, not what was actually said or done.
Let’s break this down with a few simple scenarios.
The Scenarios
Let’s call our offender Hank (why not?) and the person on the receiving end Sally (why not?).
1. Hank knowingly makes an offensive comment toward Sally.
Hank needs to apologize. No gray area here.
2. Hank unknowingly makes an offensive comment toward Sally.
Hank should still apologize—and not with an “if I made you feel…” qualifier. Intent doesn’t erase impact.
3. Hank makes a neutral comment, but Sally is offended by it.
Hank does not owe an apology.
The Real Takeaway
So far, this is pretty basic. But here’s where it gets more interesting.
Someone once told me:
“Just because something is offensive doesn’t mean you have to be offended.”
That idea flips the script.
It suggests that Sally—not Hank—ultimately controls her reaction. Her feelings are hers to manage.
Let’s revisit those same scenarios with that lens:
1. Hank knowingly makes an offensive comment.
Sally recognizes that Hank is a jerk—and dismisses it.
2. Hank unknowingly makes an offensive comment.
Sally assumes good intent. She can either move on or explain, calmly, how someone might take offense.
3. Hank makes a neutral comment, but Sally feels offended.
This version of Sally doesn’t exist anymore, because she chooses not to be offended.
Final Thought
You can’t always control what people say.
You can control how you respond.
Don’t hand over that control.
Whether someone is careless, ignorant, or intentionally provocative—you still decide how much space their words take up in your mind.
And that’s a kind of freedom worth keeping.
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