I’ve never been a fan of automated “out of office” email replies. To me, they always sound stiff, unnecessary, and—let’s be honest—slightly self-important. I mean, I’m very important, and yet I don’t set them. People need me, so I’m always available.

But then I had a thought: what if I sent out “out of office” replies that were personalized, snarky, and directly tailored to the sender? That might actually make them worth reading.

Examples

Hello,
Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office and will return on [date]. Based on the contents of your email, you clearly don’t need immediate assistance, so there’s no need to bother anyone else.

Warm regards,
BlogGaud

3…
How did I get here?
Six months ago—
gasping in the thin Colorado air,
barely able to focus on one event.
Side-eyes, shaking heads,
whispers that I didn’t belong.
And maybe I didn’t.

2…
But slowly, steadily,
I trained my body to adapt.
Not just to endure the strain—
but to thrive in it.
Fatigue no longer bent my form.
Now, curious eyebrows lift:
Maybe I belong.

1…
With effortless ease,
they come to me for advice.
The world stage opens,
a stadium packed,
all eyes fixed on me.
I am...

BANG!
The one who shoots the fake gun to start a race.

Adult Cue Cards are perfect for those moments when you find yourself repeating the same message to adults over and over again. But what if you’re in the middle of an engaging conversation and want to drop in your thoughts without breaking the flow? That’s where “Let ’Em Know” cue cards come in. With a quick flash, you can share your idea silently—no interruptions needed. Efficiency and sass, all in one handy deck.

Now, nobody likes a bragger. Being cocky, boastful, or (heaven forbid) conceited is a terrible look. But hey—when you’ve crushed a project, dropped wisdom that changes the game, or are just plain killing it, people should take notice. Cue cards can do the bragging for you—delivering that perfect mix of humble and “just so you know, I’m amazing.”

Obituary

“Smote,” the act of slaying or conquering, especially of divine punishment or judgement, popularized in biblical times, passed away in the 18th century surrounded by elaborate wigs and panniers. Smote spent its life vanquishing foes and ensuring people abided by religious canon. It is survived by decked, clocked, laid out, popped, and yeeted. A one-syllable powerhouse, it took great pride in succinctly striking fear into the hearts of men (seems like men were more likely to be smoted than women) and dragons.

“Fish are friends, not food.” Maybe Marlin needs to find a shiver (shark group [always learning with the BlogGaud]) of sharks where the motto is, “Fish are food, not friends.”

No, I’m not announcing another three episodes of Sherlock (but, that would be awesome). I’m talking about winter, spring, summer, fall, and … (we’ll get to that).

I’m aware that the Earth has four seasons because of its tilted axis and orbit around the sun. For fun’s sake, let’s pull the Falcon 9 over, turn the window crank (window cranks are more practical on spaceships, because you don’t want to accidently lean on an automatic window button and get sucked out into the black void), and throw science out the window. It’s time to contemplate the marvelousness of adding a 5th season!

I’ll read anything: biographies, historical fiction, military, self-help (not that I need it), poetry, young adult, science fiction, manga, health & wellness, horror, etc. Truthfully, I’ve never read a manga book, but if someone recommended one, I would read it. Truthfully, I don’t have any friends that would recommend a manga book.

In honor of Dr. Huberman’s debut novel, Protocols (available September 9th), I’m highlighting the king of optimal living, Chuck Noland’s (Tom Hanks – Cast Away) daily schedule.

Holden Caulfield as a Toddler

If you really want to know about it, you’ll want to hear about what I was like as a baby. But truthfully, that stuff bores me. Filled with a lot of eat, wake, sleep nonsense. To tell you the truth, my parents put so much time into that nonsense and it didn’t do a lick of good for anybody. Sleep, eat, wake, and I probably would have turned out just as rotten. Not that I’m all rotten, just rotten when I choose to be. It’s funny choosing to be rotten. But, sometimes I get a real kick out of it. Like when my parents go out of their way to Whole Foods to get me the brand of cheese crackers that I like. And I know that they did. But, when they put them on my tray, I refuse to eat them. I know it’s rotten. But the exasperated look my mom gets just kills me.

If I unsubscribe from at least 25 emails in one day, I consider it a productive day.

Not always, but often, when unsubscribing, you have the opportunity to provide feedback on why you unsubscribed.

Honestly, why are you unsubscribing?

Overindulging with Famous Movie Quotes

1. “Can you not deduce that I am partaking in my daily promenade? As previously mentioned, my sedentary work life necessitates that I amble on my legs whenever possible.”
2. “You are unable to surmount the magnitude of factual information of which I am preparing to bequeath upon you.”
3. “Please provide me with the equivalent menu item as selected by that diner patron.”
4. “The sea vessel, which we currently inhabit, does not meet the necessary specifications for our current endeavor.”
5. “Although I must depart, I shall return posthaste.”
6. “Once fabrication concludes, his presence will be made known.”
7. “My peripheral vision recognizes beings who have shuffled off this mortal coil.”
8. “Largest city in Texas, we are presented with quite the conundrum.”
9. “I fell under your possession once we exchanged formal greetings.”
10. “Lacrimal fluid discharge during the partaking in America’s pastime is unacceptable!”

I’m in decent shape (brag). Being in good health enables me to traverse cities during family vacations (often requiring 30,000+ step per day). Walking to and from various destinations is our family’s primary form of transportation. However, in order to get to all the attractions, we sometimes need to utilize other means of travel.

Since I live in the suburbs, I don’t spend a lot of time on public transportation. Most of the cities we travel to provide some type of train (subway, “L”, bullet, monorail, freight, Thomas, “Drops of Jupiter,” etc.). Our three boys love playing Lewis and Clark. They’ll use maps, signs, and apps to help us efficiently get from Point A to Point B. By the end of vacation, they’re identifying line colors like Jeff Bridges in Blown Away (underrated). Of course I double check their recommendations to ensure we don’t end up in a Judgement Night situation (underrated). However, as much as they can learn from my navigation skills, they’re on their own when it comes to one aspect of train riding…

If you view the American Film Institute’s (AFI) 100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time, you’ll find most quotes are succinct. Understandable, as:

“Brevity is the soul of wit” – Shakespeare

“The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do” – Thomas Jefferson

 “If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter” – Blaise Pascal

What if we challenged that ideology because isn’t bigger always better?